Do you remember how we met? Does the day when our God-led paths crossed still live in your memory? Is the first “Hello” we said to each other still present in your heart? Do you still listen to the songs I shared with you? Do the stories I told you, the dreams I told you, the fears I confided in you, the goals I promised to fulfill still echo? Because as long as my name still exists in your heart and in your memory, there will be nothing that can kill me, because as long as you still continue to remember me, I will still be alive.
Do you remember our conversations that knew no end? Are every laugh we used to draw on our faces still in your heart? Do you remember when the days were cloudy, but just by seeing your name in my notifications, you were able to brighten, not only my day, but my entire week, remember the times I said “thank you for being here”?
Because I do. Months may pass, summer may come and with it new sunrises to contemplate, new autumn moons may parade, sky drops may run through my window, and I will keep remembering you, because as long as I keep remembering you, my heart will keep beating, because you were that person who lit me up on nights where loneliness struck with enormous force. Because it was you who sheltered me and took care of me on those nights when I felt my breathing stumble, you were the oxygen on those freediving nights where I could not find comfort or consolation.
Do you remember the day I shared that song that you liked so much? That song, my dear, if you don’t remember it, let me help you; Lasso “Hasta ese día.” There is something that I never told you, and perhaps it was the fear of rejection that inhibited my heart from any attempt to express myself openly, without limitations, without concealments and without taboos; but with the beat of each rhythm, and with the parade of each verse, only one name came to my heart, only one face was drawn in my soul, your name and your face.
Those conversations that lasted for days and days sharing every detail about us, laughing, supporting us and encouraging us when life became hard and unstoppable.
Do you remember the last time we saw each other? Do you remember the last thing I said to you that day? I was nervous, fear flooded my heart. It was no longer afraid to tell you what I felt or what was in my heart. It was something deeper, it was fear of losing you, and consequently losing myself in that process…
“There he comes! No please, not again… will I not have peace anymore?” It was what I felt when I heard the footsteps of anxiety approaching me in the middle of the night, but the terror was greater when I was lurking in the middle of the crowd and I felt compelled to smile, where to say how I felt would be to let down my guard and let myself go without knowing in front of who I was undressing, without knowing to whom I would give everything that was inside…
“Are you still with that? Why can’t you get over it? You know, what you do is called emotional blackmail. You come to me saying ‘I feel bad’ but I ask you what’s wrong, and you don’t tell me. You know, I’m getting tired of you…” They told me that summer of 2022…
Collapsing world was the one that prostrated around me. Chaos everywhere, no peace around me, with problems at home, but where does a man go when he has nowhere else to go? It was closing my eyes and hearing that voice, telling me “You see, I told you you weren’t good enough. But you don’t listen to me. On the other hand, if you had not given your heart to that person, none of this would be happening. But no, you didn’t listen to me. Look at yourself now, you are nothing more than a burden now.”… What frightened me most was not those words or the intensity that lived in them, but whoever said them to me, and the knowledge that it was myself, was what scared me the most. terrified…
Do you understand now why this fear? There were things that I never told you; maybe because of the same fear, shame or insecurities, but maybe now I regret more for what I didn’t express to you than for what I once expressed to you…
You did me a lot of good, you believed in me when with emotion I told you “I will write a novel, and the protagonist will be named after you”. And look at us now, separated without crossing a word, distanced almost as if we were two strangers holding an album in common… Look at us, oblivious to each other, oblivious to what has happened to us, to the good news and the bad news…
Can you love from a distance? You taught me that yes, and maybe without wanting it. But how not to do it if you were my favorite person. And it was thanks to you that I understood that, unconditional love does not require the bodily presence of the person to know that he is loved… We could be in the largest square in the world full of people, but my heart would be able to navigate through that crowd and reach you, as well as that series that you shared with me, where the protagonists guided each other with a simple candle, but your candle would be your purest and sublime essence…
I do not know if God will ever allow us to cross paths again, I do not know if I will ever see your name inside my messages again, or if, at some point, the melody of your voice will caress my soul again, or if the beauty of your smile will brighten my days… I do not know, I just know that, I loved you without hesitation for a single moment, and that I would have loved to hug you and look you in the eyes and say “I love you”…
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