It is no surprise to anyone that life can act in silent ways, a silence that is typical of plants and clouds, a silence that can say more than a thousand words written in prose, and more than a thousand metaphors written in verse; and as Vladimir Nabokov would say, in every silence a mystery is hidden, that is why, the beautiful and beautiful of life emerges from its deepest mysteries that give it a meaning, that give it personality and shape… The same happens with us, in every look that is not accompanied by words, sometimes, more feelings and emotions are manifested in those moments where only the gaze of the other person is seen fixedly.…
Dear reader, I am writing this letter without a particular address, in the hope that my words will not get lost in the unison of life, and that they will be able to sail the winds with the faith of being able to find a home in the heart of that person who reads this…
It’s June, on a Saturday afternoon. Writing I find myself, only accompanied by the sublime and delicate melody Prélude d’une nuit d’automne by Adrien de la Salle. There is no soul but mine in the room, in the middle of the characteristic summer heat, drinking a good cup of cold coffee, while, from the back of the room, various books offer me their coat and seas of stories to explore, and hundreds of trails to explore…
I was just lying down, tired, sad even, if I may say so, perhaps you ask yourself, and he who has believed himself to say such a thing, as if no one had problems to deal with?, for it is right there that the pertinent answer to such a question is found. In that same sentence, his innate response is hidden… Everyone has problems, it’s totally true, and it doesn’t take more than a little common sense to come up with such a deduction; but, that is why, since each of us has battles that are being fought in the world of the tangible, as well as within ourselves, the need to remember that we are human beings may even prevail, and that for the same reason, it is okay that at some point we break down, that those moments come when we think that we can’t anymore and that all we want is to get off the world to take a breath and be able to assimilate what is happening around us; at the end of the day, we are all human beings, and it is not allowed to cry, curse, sit down to rest, because otherwise, what a bore, in that case I would rather be dead.
Beauty lies in the imperfections of the soul, in the scars of the heart, in each of the marks that in their path have left their mark on us. You are no more beautiful for having skin free of cuts, imperfections or scars; We are beautiful because of the way we carry what marked us in our past, and that today, it is still with us, but when we see them, there is no more pain or shame, but a smile is born in us that manifests pride for what we lived, for the moments that forged our character, for every battle that we thought lost, but that at the end of the day we were able to win, even without knowing how we achieved it … That is where the beauty is…
Dear reader, allow me to tell you in this letter a little anecdote or if you want to see it in another way, a short story that left me thinking…
Our protagonist of turn is someone who suffers from social anxiety attacks, and that with this a thousand and one scenes are triggered in his imagination that actually become false; but that, in his own reality, or within himself, look as if they were true, thus causing emotional havoc that disturbs his tranquility, but that somehow that I still can’t quite understand, he still sees beauty in the world and sweetness in the hearts of the people he loves.
“I remember that there was a person whom I esteemed a lot, we went to high school together, we didn’t talk to each other too much at first, maybe with some luck, we only managed to greet each other at the crossing of the corridor. One day, the same person I sometimes looked at in silence, sat next to me. I got too excited to be honest. By day-to-day intervention, the two of us stopped being two strangers, or well, for me that was the perception, and I would like to believe that for that person I had already overcome that one and stopped being a stranger…
It is necessary to mention that there was something about this person that captivated me, something that I don’t know how to describe, but I think I became attracted to that person. Everything was unknown to me. New sensations and feelings were forming in my heart. I couldn’t believe it, and I was wondering “Am I falling in love?”. The answer did not come immediately, but firmly and confidently. I had fallen in love. I didn’t believe it, but I liked it.
I don’t know what happened, in the blink of an eye everything changed. She had to leave. She met more people there. I had faith that she appreciated me, not that she had fallen in love with me, but that there was a certain degree of affection. She knew about my feelings, I don’t know how I did it, but I plucked up the courage to open up to her the most private thing that every human being has, that’s right dear reader, I opened my heart to her. I was naked before her. Without more or less, everything went out.
The curtain came down, the stage lights began to turn off one by one, each person began to pick up his chair. Everyone was putting away their things. I was there, in the middle of the stage. I felt that a lamp was pointing directly at me. I felt desolate. I bared my heart and soul, and it wasn’t enough. What’s wrong with me? Did I do something wrong?; these were some questions that started stealing my nights for those years.
I wake up, a new morning has arrived, I am anxious about the uncertainty of knowing what this new day will be like. The first thing I see. She was dating someone else… my already fragile heart ended up breaking. I cried in silence, not knowing that that same silence was like what gasoline is for a fire.
Fears and doubts began to develop in me that revolved around “is there something wrong with me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Maybe if I hadn’t expressed what I was feeling to her, she and I would still be talking… but at the cost of what?”, “Am I just not good enough?”. This and a little more I lived for those times…
There was pain, there were tears, there was fear. Afraid to express what I was feeling again. I felt like a shipwreck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There was something sure in me, I would manage to put the heart pieces back in their place, I would put the clothes back in the closet in their respective drawers. I didn’t know how I would do it, nor did I know how long it would take, but I was determined to do it. I gave that person everything I was and everything I had, now it was time to do the same, but with myself.
While all this was going on, the world was still spinning around me. Life was going on its course, and I couldn’t find the pieces or the order to restore what I offered. Like a good castaway, I felt lonely, I wanted a shoulder to lean on when the days got hard or heavier, there was nothing. I was embracing myself, I was trying to be my light in the midst of darkness, and to be my refuge in the midst of cold and desolation. I promised myself one thing. I would never allow a friend of mine to feel lonely, or to feel homeless. I promised myself that it would be that support that I so longed for, and needed, but that I never had. I swore to myself that, despite everything, I would not stop expressing my feelings, because it is the most beautiful thing there can be in the world, simple feelings, but full of meaning…
I do not know how I managed it, I did not realize when it was that I was finally reaching dry land. Those storms were behind me. That pain was already a thing of the past. I saw myself in a mirror with my inner eyes. I had succeeded. I don’t know how I did it, but my heart was in its place. I noticed that there were some scars now, that with the passage of time I began to wear with pride… My promise still stood. I would not close myself to love. I did not have a clear definition of what love was, but I only knew that it is something sublime, majestic and beautiful…”
Dear reader, I felt the urgent need to tell you this short anecdote… Now let me tell you that feelings are the clearest sign of our human condition, that’s where the beauty of life lies, and while God gives me life, allow me to extend my hand and grant you my shoulder…
“I can see the sun, but even if I cannot see the sun, I know that it exists. And to know that the sun is there – that is living.”
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Leave a Reply